I was 21 when I met him. He was a friend of a friend. I’d noticed him in high school—a handsome preacher who delivered sermons with a fiery passion. I remember one sermon about Manasseh, this guy who’d done so much wrong but was still accepted by God. It was captivating. He had a reputation: disciplined, devoted to his faith. I thought, “Wow, He’s truly got it.” We started talking after a while and, soon enough, I was “babe”.  We were officially dating.

Three months in, he made me feel like I was everything he’d been searching for. Even began talks about marriage. I mean if you found ‘’ the One’’ why waste time. My parents wanted me to finish Undergrad, and do a Master’s before then, for which he joked, “Wamenimaliza” (they’ve finished me), and he seemed serious about wanting us to settle down soon. I felt lucky, special.

Around the fourth month, I visited him in his town. Previously we were long distance, and now we were finally together in person, and it all seemed great… except there was this one moment where he got angry when I didn’t do something the way he’d wanted. It was a small thing, but it left me feeling uneasy. That was when I started noticing a strange disconnect. He didn’t act as affectionate in person as he did over the phone.

By the fifth month, he only visited when he wanted something. He’d leave some money after, like it was some form of transaction. Our texts were drying up; he rarely replied or made time to talk. And if I missed a call, he’d get angry. And I thought, maybe I had done something wrong, and I had messed things up with this nice man. Was I being too demanding? I kept blaming myself. Valentine’s was around the corner, and I hoped it’d be a chance to fix things. After waiting a while and getting nothing from him, I sent him a “Happy Valentine’s,” on the day, expecting something back, anything romantic. All I got was a flat “Happy Valentine’s to you too.” My heart sank.

Then came the wake-up call. I had one intense, eye-opening moment with him, and that was it for me. It felt like waking up from a dream where I’d been holding onto the hope that things would work out between us. This experience shattered my idealized view of him and the image he had so carefully crafted for others. It was then that I realized I wasn’t dealing with just an ordinary person.

Looking back, I can clearly see this experience in 4 stages:

  1. Love Bombing – He came on strong, made me feel like his perfect match, his ‘’soul mate’’.
  2. Devaluation – He began pulling away, making me feel like I was the problem just for wanting the connection we had before.
  3. Discard – He’d lost interest, even ignored me on Valentine’s, and I later found out he’d moved on to someone else, someone younger.
  4. Hoover – He tried to reel me back in, but thankfully, I was already done. Therapy and supportive friends helped me shut that door for good.

If any of this resonates, you might be dating a narcissist—or someone with similar traits. You may have gone through something like this or even worse. I’m no expert, but my experience led me to research these patterns, and while it may have been a mild form, one thing became clear: they won’t change. No amount of love can make them a better person, nor will they be different for you.

Leaving wasn’t easy. The psychological toll, self-doubt, and emotional exhaustion from being with a narcissist—whether overt or covert—can make you feel lost and trapped. But I got through it with the support of friends, therapy, and my faith. I won’t lie; it felt like I had lost myself. But faith and healing helped me find my way back, and I know you can too. Remember, leaving is the first step to reclaiming yourself. It’s only by stepping away that you can truly begin to heal.

And this applies to men as well. If you’re with a narcissistic partner, the experience may look different, but the stages are strikingly similar. It’s like a well-worn script.

I would recommend looking into resources on childhood trauma, inner child healing, attachment theory, and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. These can be valuable tools in rediscovering yourself and building healthier relationships.